Jack Bauer is Back at CTTU - Counter Terrible Twos Unit

Life has been tough for Jack Bauer since retiring from CTU.  In fact Jack now realised that saving the world from crazy minded terrorists was a breeze in comparison to the real world.  Having already taken on the chaotic evils of rush hour traffic, Jack decided the easier solution would be to avoid these traumas and work from home for the day.

Jack's thinking behind this was not only due to the UK roads, he was also feeling pressure at work as he struggled to manage his ever increasing portfolio, whilst dealing with constant ad hoc emails. Jack came to the conclusion that if he worked from home then surely it would lead to a more proactive day. He was bound to get more done, after all he would be avoiding those constant interruptions that occur at head office. 

While he worked from home, Jack had kindly agreed to look after his 2 year old grandaughter Terri. Jack's daughter Kim was a working mum, but unfortunately on this day she had no child care, as regular child minder Nina Myers had suspiciously phoned in sick that morning.

Always happy to help out in a crisis, Jack volunteered to dual task his day job with quality time with his grandaughter.  However, unknown to him at the time, our hero was again to embark on another one of those days.

 

The following takes place between the core office working hours of 9am and 5pm, events occur in real time.

 

Jack booted up the laptop ready for his working day ahead, he made himself a coffee and prepared Terri breakfast. Jack then got some toys out for Terri which included jigsaw puzzles, colouring in books and crayons. He then sat at the dining room table and cracked on with his work.  

The first hour went quickly and very positively as Jack cleared down some of the email traffic that had become the bane of his life, Terri meanwhile had been transfixed to Peppa Pig on the television whilst she half heartedly attempted to do one of the jigsaw puzzles.

As the countdown of the 24 hour clock moved into the next hour, Terri had moved onto her colouring books and Jack continued his work.  However it suddenly appeared to be a bit too quiet for Jack’s liking, he looked out the corner of one eye and his suspicions were confirmed. He turned half circle in his chair to see Terri holding a crayon which she was edging towards Jack's newly decorated living room wall.

"TERRI" shouted Jack

"Yes Granddad"

"Put the crayon down"

Terri just stared at Jack with a wry smile of menace.

"Terri put the crayon down NOW!"

Terri continued to smile, edging the crayon nearer and nearer to the wall

Jack's mobile phone then rang, it was company secretary Chloe O'Brian "Jack, it's Chloe, I have just been asked by CEO Chappelle if you have finished that tender?"

"Chloe, I am currently in a crisis here, I cannot really talk"

"Are you OK Jack? What is the situation?"

"I am in lock down with a crayon armed two year old"

"Do you need back up Jack? Any negotiation required?

"Chloe you know the rules we do not negotiate with two year olds"

Jack then ended the call so he could focus back on the situation with Terri.  "Damn it Terri put the crayon down!!!!"

Terri just continued to stare at Jack, she seemed in a mischievous mood and was keen to test the boundaries.

Jack had no choice, he succumbed to negotiation.  "Do you want those chocolate buttons Grandad got you?"

Terri smiled and nodded.

"Then put the crayon down" Jack said calmly

Terri started to lower her hand and Jack sighed with relief, "Good girl Terri"

Then just as Jack thought he had the situation in hand, Terri giggled, raised her arm and scribbled crayon all over the wall!

"Damn it Teri!!!! Damn it! Naughty step now!"

Jack took Terri by the arm as they headed towards an interrogation on the naughty step.

"Damn it Terri!  You stay there and think about what you have done and you stay there until Grandad says otherwise!" Jack continued with his telling off "Grandad has only just decorated! Damn it!! Damn it!!!”

The 24 hour clock ticked away for a further 2 minutes and Jack returned to the naughty step to again come face to face with Terri.

"Have you got something to say Terri?" asked Jack

Terri shrugged her shoulders and twiddled with her hair, thumb in mouth.

"What do you say Terri?

Terri looked up at her Grandad and said “Damn it Grandad? Damn it?”

 “No Damn it….I mean no Terri and don’t repeat those words to mummy” Jack continued “What do you say for drawing on Grandad’s wall?”

Terri’s only response was visual, as she frowned at Jack.

"Do you want me to have to call Nanny?" Jack then continued "You think she shall be pleased about this behaviour?"

Terri sheepishly looked up at Jack and in the cutest way possible said "Sorry Grandad." 

The crayon siege was over, the naughty step interrogation finally resolved, but the commotion of these events had meant Jack was playing catch up on his working day.  As he sat back down at the table he looked at his laptop screen then shouted in pure frustration "Damn it!" Damn it! I give up! I give up!" 

Having cleared down over 30 emails that morning, his inbox had now doubled since dealing with ‘operation crayon’.

Reacting to the out cry Terri asked in that cute voice "You OK Grandad?"

Jack smiled "Yes princess.”  He tried to think quickly on his feet and explained “I’m singing Terri."  He then disguised his stressed tone by changing the words around and sang "Jam it! Jam it! Give it up! Give it up!"

Terri's eyes lit up, she ran to her toy box, searched high and low then presented Jack with her musical Rastamouse microphone. She then demanded that Grandad should get up to sing and dance with her.  So instead of clearing down more unwanted emails, Jack spent 30 minutes dancing to Rastamouse, Scratchy and Zoomer. Jack was indeed part of the easy crew, a crime fighting agent of CTU, playing reggae music whilst trying to work through.

It had now reached midday and Jack had only managed one hour of work.  So after lunch he thought it would be a good idea to take Terri to the park, it would allow her to burn off some energy and relieve any boredom.

At the park, Terri was in her element as Jack pushed her on the swing with her asking Grandad to push her higher and higher.  At this time the park was empty, until a mother came along with her son and they headed towards the see-saw.

“Damn it Grandad! My see-saw! Mine” shouted Terri

“No, remember Terri, we share don’t we? And stop saying Damn it”

Terri then pointed directly at the boy on the see-saw “Don’t like him, my see-saw, my swing!”

Jack panicked out of embarrassment, he looked at his watch and said to Terri “I think it is time to go now. Grandad needs to get back to work.”

All hell then broke lose as Jack tried to wrestle Terri from the swing to the pushchair.  On lookers walked by and witnessed Jack trying to put Terri into her buggy.  It was reminiscent of Jack’s old CTU days, as it sounded like he was carrying out an unauthorised act of torture in an attempt to prize out some information.  But all poor old Jack was actually trying to do was get Terri in her buggy.  You would however thought otherwise by the tantrum and screaming coming from her.

“Come on Terri now, don’t be silly”

“Waaaaaaah, waaaaaah “

“Don’t you want those chocolate buttons??????”

“Waaaaaaah Noooooo”

“Do you want to go home and watch Toy Story?”

“Waaaaaah Nooooo”

“Damn it Terri! Stop the noise”

“Waaaaaaaah don’t like you Grandad!

Eventually Jack got Terri buckled into her buggy and he pushed her home.  He was going at a speed so fast you thought he was in fact on the run from his own government.

Jack and Terri arrived home, Terri was back on the naughty step and Jack was reaching for the bottle of wine, it was now time to drink on the job, he was starting to realise this going to work lark was a doddle in comparison to being ‘mum’ for the day.

Another interrogation on the naughty step was resolved and all was happy in the house again after ‘operation pushchair’.

The 24 countdown clock continued and it just passed 3pm, Jack again sat down at the table, again he looked at his laptop screen, the emails in his inbox had now trebled.  It was then déjà vu as Jack burst into tears, just as he had done in the last episode of season 3 of 24. Yes, the state of Jack’s inbox was indeed as emotional as having to cut off Chase Edmund’s handcuffed hand with an axe. Yes, it was also as traumatic as having to kill his own boss due to terrorist demands.

The talk of handcuffed hands brings us to the 24 hour clock approaching 4pm and Jack’s day was not over just yet. Again as he attempted to tackle his 400 emails, he again saw someone out the corner of his eye.  He turned around to see Terri stood beside him wearing her Police Officers dressing up outfit.

“I handcuff you Grandad” Terri directly told Jack.

Jack was then handcuffed to his chair whilst trying to respond to emails.  It was hard enough trying to reply to emails with just 2 index fingers, let alone when handcuffed.

Just at that moment there was a sound of a key in the door lock, it was Kim who had returned from work and was ready to pick up her daughter.  As she opened the door she was shocked to witness her father, a man who once escaped from being held hostage by the Chinese government, now being handcuffed to his own dining room chair by his 2 year old granddaughter.

Kim burst into laughter and then duly un-cuffed her dad from the captivity in his own home.  Kim then stopped for a coffee and listened to her dad suggest that it was conspiracy that Nina had phoned in sick that morning.  In fact Jack went as far as to accuse Nina of being a mole and that she was working for a competitor to the tender bid he was working on, he then implied it was all part of a plan to sabotage it.

Kim and Terri eventually left for home around 4.45pm. Jack returned to the dining room table to try again in his efforts to start his days work. As he sat down, he expressed a big smile, he was already missing Terri and laughed to himself as he recalled the fun he had sharing his day with her.  He then began to go through the emails, his working day finally started and it was now to take place between 5pm and midnight, events to occur in real time.

 

Jack Bauer shall return in Marky Banham Blogs

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